Wednesday, 26 March 2014

THE DAY WHEN I WAS NOT DRUNK

THE DAY WHEN I WAS NOT DRUNK

I would like to start with a confession that I DON’T DRINK…so I know that title is a bit contradictory ..but the other title I thought of was THE DAY WHEN I WAS SOBER…for me this title was a bit sober..so I went ahead the other one…

So it was A WEDNESDAY kind of special day…..an office colleague’s birthday with whom I spent half of my day (unfortunately a guy) and it was also apna office party..because we won some awards so I had good enough reason to dress up (not really blue denim and white shirt always works)..and also half of the office guys were wearing the same clothes..so it was HAILA RAMESH HAILA SURESH …(just imagine half of office girls wearing same clothes..well it will just happen in your imagination)

So it was my better half’s birthday as people describe in office…so had to do something special..so HE turns out to be F1 fan…so we decided to order a customized cake with his favorite F1 car and his face on it….

Just to let you know he gifted himself a brand new golden phone worth rs 50,000 ONLY on his birthday…gifting yourself on your own birthday..is the best thing to do (it also shows how lonely you are)

So we did our entire day’s work and left for party…and before the birthday boy reached... party was already started..people were dancing and  clicking fotos with super boss(which also shows increment is near)

It was a completely rocking bollywood party..

So  I went to the bar counter and asked for a drink which was not available (don’t ask which) so I settled down on the drink which was available in bulk (again don’t ask which)
After some time I found out every body around me was drunk..performing nagin dance..banging heads and baatoing gyaan…I could literally see liquor coming out of their eyes..sweat…mouth…

Every one was looking so attractive and beautiful….liquor + bollywood music is the best possible high…

I was sitting in a corner of a sofa and staring at everyone….things were suddenly changed..everyone were looking friendly…I was feeling a bit dizzy..and dehydrated….might be because of heavy bollywood dancing…I was feeling like puking…again might be I was dancing after having food….

Suddenly I had six fingers  after a point happy realization happened…I was the only person who was drunk…I was the one who was banging head with everyone… I was the one who was doing the nagin dance..i was the one who was asking for liquor…but had to settle down with apple juice…


P.S - AND AFTER THAT DAY I NEVER WENT TO MY OFFICE!!!

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

A LUB ISTORY

My dear OBEROI MALL wali GADDEE

Ek din jab mein mall ke parking lot se nikal raha tha..tab mere nazar tumpe padi…tum shayad area mein nayee thi…iseliye sare gaddon se dur rehete thi…
Par kuch tho baat thi tumhare andar..saare gaadeyan tumhe ched kar gujar rahi the…aur tum darii hue sahame se thi…..soocha ke main bhi tumhe chedte hue niklu…phir tumhare khubsurati ke gaherai dekh kar dang rahegaya….itna pyaar bhara gaddha maine kabhi nahi dekha tha…

Tumhe pata hai jis din DABAANG 2 release hui thi aur tum dhoop mein tadap rahi thi..us din tumhe chav dene wala main he tha..jaanbhooj kar maine signal red hone ki 5 sec pehele he gaadi rokli..aur uss din maine pehele baar tumhe itne kareeb se dekha…kale pathar tum par jach rahe the…jaise he kuch bolne laga signal khul gaya..aur baaki gaadiyon ke horn ke kaaran tumhe kuch sunaye nahi diya…

Aur pata hai jis din pehele barish hui thi uss din bhi main wahi par tha…halki halki barish ke boondein ..hawa ke saath tumhe bhigo rahi the…tumhe itna khush pahele kabhi nahi dekha …aisa mann hua tumpe thoda kaala grease gira dun taki tumhe kise ke nazar naa lage… usse din mujhe tumhare khubsurati ke gaheraiyon ka asli andaza hua…vo kaale pathar itne khubsurat kabhi nahi lage…

Jiss tarah saare dippers tumpe light maar rahe the…main tho jalan ke kaaran dhuan dhuan hogaya…

Phir ek din maine soocha ki aaj iss paar ya uss par…ajj tho apne pyaar ka izzhar karke he rahunga….par saala uss din jor se barish aagaye…sab jagah paani he paani bhara tha..aur tum mujhe nahi dikhe!!!

Maine puri raath wahi signal ke pass wale street light ke neeche tumhara intezaar kiya…phir jab subha pani kam hua..tab tum mujhe dikhi…apne geele pathron ko suraj ke roshni se sukhate hue..vo dekhe mere jo battery charge hui hai kya batayon!!!

Thode der baad kuch aadmi aaye…saaman leke aur tumhe usse bharne lage..maine bhaut horn bajaya par kisne naa suni….aur iske pahele ke main kuch kar pata tum gayab ho chuki the….aur tumhare saheliyan bhi nahi thi wahan pe…pura rasta ekdum naye jaisa..

Main pure ek hafte tak wahan pe chakkar lagata raha par tum na dikhi..aur dheere dheere barish ka mahina bhi khatam ho raha tha…aur isse kaaran..tumhe dekhne ki wajah bhi….
Par mujhe pura yaakeen hai ki tum agle saal barish ke mahene main phir aayogi !!!!

                                                                     YOURS LOVINGLY
                                                                                           MH.01.A.143


P.S  - Ek din jaanbooj kar tumpar oil spill kar diya tha…uss baat ka bura laga ho tho sorry!!!

Saturday, 9 March 2013

THOTE UDD GAYEE

I know this is a bit late...but yaar budget ko samaj ne mein thoda time laga !! so here i present overall view of the budget!!!
(tune is paani dha from VICKY DONOR)



THOTE UDD GAYEE

Budget ka rang vekh ke
Budget ka rang vekh ke
Budget ka rang vekh ke

THOTE tho mere udd gaye
THOTE tho mere udd gaye

Samaj mein na aaya kuch bhi 
samaj mein na aaaya
Samaj mein na aaya kuch bhi 
samaj mein na aaaya

Bhukamp kyun na aaya yahan
Tsunami kyun na aaya

Bhukamp kyun na aaya yahan
Samaj mein na aaya

Petrol ka bhav dekh ke
Petrol ka bhav dekh ke

THOTE tho mere udd gayee
THOTE tho mere udd gayee
THOTE tho mere udd gayee

Mobile,gaadi mehnge hui kaaran sirf hai tere
Mobile,gaadi mehnge hui kaaran sirf hai tere

SET TOP box bhi mhenga hua F TV abh kaise dekhe
SET TOP box bhi mhenga hua F TV abh kaise dekhe


TAXES ka noor dekh ke
TAXES ka noor dekh ke

THOTE tho mere udd gayee
THOTE tho mere udd gayee
THOTE tho mere udd gayee

Ghar mhenge kiye
Interest rate bhada
Bus ka kiraya bhi bhadaya

Sab kuch mhenga
Pagar tho nahi bhada
Bhuuka nanga soya mein tho rozz

Bank ka balance dekh ke
Bank ka balance dekh ke

THOTE tho mere udd gayee
THOTE tho mere udd gayee

Budget ka rang vekh ke
Budget ka rang vekh ke
Budget ka rang vekh ke

THOTE tho mere udd gaye
THOTE tho mere udd gaye
THOTE tho mere udd gaye
………..


(P.S. the guy in the picture in YO YO PC!!)

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

YEH CONDOM HAI


YEH CONDOM HAI

Yeh condom hai
Har condom ka
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai rang roop

Yeh condom hai
Har condom ka
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai rang roop

Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai swaad bhi

Yeh condom hai

Yeh tho soocho condom bhi ek multi-purpose cheez hai
Yeh tho soocho condom bhi ek multi-purpose cheez hai
Isse pehenlo kyunki,bharat ke need hai
Fuuga phodo,topi peheno
Multi- purpose cheez hai

Yeh condom hai
Har condom ka
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai rang roop

Yeh condom hai

Chocolate hai re strawberry bhi
Dotted ke sang flavor hai
Chocolate hai re strawberry bhi
Dotted ke sang flavor hai

Ultimate pleasure mile iske istamal se
Majje lele yeh nap hate yeh tho gurantee hai..

Yeh condom hai
Har condom ka
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai rang roop

Yeh condom hai
Har condom ka
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai rang roop

Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai swaad bhi

Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Thode rang hai..dheer se khushiyaan
Alag hai,alag hai,alag hai swaad bhi

Yeh condom hai


Wednesday, 31 October 2012

A LETTER from a mosquito


A LETTER from a mosquito
Dear human Being,

I am sorry to address you in this manner, but I don’t know your name, I just sucked your blood few days back(and you are still alive)that’s how I got your address..

Human Being is a neutral word as I m not calling you…kasab or something else(as you have called me LUI in a commercial) which is much more racist and ugly..

You human being are not only racist but also casteist..you tried to divide our mosquito world like yours..(ind vs pak just in case you don’t know)…you differentiated us by saying ”tu dengue ka machhar hai….tu malaria ka hai…tu bhukar paida karta hai…”….well we have been together since ages..and you should know that we all are equally talented…but there are few who follow some father (of nation) and don’t hurt anyone…but they also got pissed off with your nature and they are the one who started the war…

Well to be honest it is because of you guys we have developed so much…infact we are planning to capture some foreign mosquito kingdoms….but for that we need your more support…

We request you to please continue to take dump at different open places…(and if possible please avoid railway tracks we want to be loyal with same area people…and we don’t like to travel in train) so that we can party on regular basis without paying much infact nothing :P…

And we are sorry to tell you that it is not your government we are the one who are shutting the public toilet…so that you can easily pee in open places…
And waste food is just like awesome…we even some time masturbate just by imagining big pile of waste..well to get waste  we literally do nothing..we just wait…and result is a BIG PILE OF WASTE(..yummmmm…) ..it also helps us in developing our secret weapon…(we just tested it on an old man and he died…buzzzz..well that’s our evil laugh)..
Thanks to you human being we have almost become omni -  present(93.25%)….
Just in case if this is not enough…we are the one who kissed aishwarya rai bachhan in ROBOT move and she is still alive…we also made rajnikant look cooler in the same movie…(we all personally love him because he is the one who taught us how to suck blood)…

So please start respecting us after all some of us have same blood…

                                                                                                    Keep wasting
                                                                            LUI


P.S – sorry for the death in some fraternity (old man) because of dengue..actually it was not dengue it was our new chemical which is on test it is showing a positive result your man died right!!!. (I guess it will get so khatmeel price..thats our nobel price)…but there is a slight problem…the mosquito why bit that old man has started speaking a different language altogether..if possible please help..

Thursday, 2 August 2012

SELFISH (matlabi)

SELFISH (matlabi)

Selfishnes can be or is your best friend...it helps you in day to day work of life in fact all of them if you practice it properly...

infact from child hood we are taught how to be selfish and even how to get exploited....

REMEMBER the choclate example:-

"Beta yeh kaam karlena tho tumhe choclate milege...."

"Beta yeh kaam karlena aur bake ke paise ke choclate kharid lena..."

Infact when someone interfers this "BETA" process the answer given is "sikhe ke ga kaise"

i guess this hint is enough for you to know towards whom i am pointing!!!!

to be selfish you need to follow three simple rules:-

. BENEFIT YOURSELF

. BENEFIT YOURSELF

. BENEFIT YOURSELF


and i guess the person will be successful if he doesn't get caught or if someone doesn't read this blog..:P


even shellfish are not so selfish
(P.S.- pls ingnore last line...!!!)

a small poem to justify in a bitter way:-

MATLABI(selfish)
insaan matlabi hua tho kya!!
khud ke swarth ke liye kaam karvaya tho kya!!!

mehnat cum hui hai
izzat dugni mili hai...

dusre ke khando pe pair rakh ke 
apne kameez safed hue hai

jaise ko tiasa karne jamana na raha
apne swarth ke liye haath  milana hai lakshay yahan...

log tho apne swarth ke liye kapde bhi utar walen
aur jarurat padi tho kapde bhi utar len...

duniya matlabi hai
insaan matlabi hua tho kya!!!
khud ke swarth ke liye dusre ko bhooka rakha tho kya!!!

har cheez mein apna fayda dhuund na hai kaida yahan
fayda na ho tho kaam bigad jaata yahan

pair chhune se bhagwan ke darshan tak
boss ko gud morning bolne se
biwi ko love you bolne tak
sab ke peeche kuch swarth hai

swarthi bano swarthi
yeh geeta mein nahi likha
yeh meine kaha hai!!!!


Friday, 13 July 2012

#DHOBLE??

  

(the tune is title track of DON 2)

 #DHOBLE??

Duniya mein charsi ne dill apne phir thame

aaya hai leker yeh
phir kitne tamache

phir isne dhunda hai 
ke party hai kahan pe

darwale toode hai na chode deewarein

iss se baach paya hai kaun....
isko pechanlo yeh hai kaun!!!!

tweet mujh pe jo bhi lage
trend hua hun mein tho kya!!!

mujhko hai party rokna
paety walon ke shaan kiya!!!!

jo mujhko trend karvate
unko hai kya ye pata

"Iss se party ko chupana mushkil he nahi na mumkin hai"!!!!!

party ko rokne aaya kaun
mujhko pechan lo mein hun kaun!!!!